I suppose we have all, as a society, had opportunity and need to reflect during Lockdown. There is much talk of 'The New Normal' - an unhelpful and misleading term. I doubt many of us will return to exactly what we were doing before, in exactly the same way. For some, it is seen as an opportunity to change practices that weren't working, for others - an opportunity to make dash for the greener grass on the other side. For others still, it seems to be an opportunity to trap people into new working practices that benefit only the company and not the employee, an excuse to increase workload, cut pay, change contracts.
My work situation is changing whether it is good for me or not. My contract will be changed to include new duties that will mean more contact time with students, less breaks and longer days. This has been brought in without discussion or agreement and without due consideration for the 'reasonable adjustments, to which I am entitled as a person with Asperger's. I have been advised that, if I want consideration, I will have to fight. But this is not a rant or complaint.
I am aware of my rights, but I have always struggled with the idea of entitlement. I have spent every waking moment of my life trying to appear normal, to fit in, and give people what (I think) they expect of me. And I have been, in the most part, very good at it. Perhaps I would have been better off, had I not been. Like many women with Asperger's, I can, with effort, appear relatively similar to society's idea of what someone like me should be: A 50-something working mum. (But this is a façade. This might be a familiar description, for anyone who was diagnosed later in life.) But I know I need time in my day to 'decompress' after prolonged social interaction. I know I need time to process and discuss changes to my working day and practices. I know I need time to prepare for front of class lesson delivery. So why wouldn't I contest a change that does away with all of this?
A colleague told me in confidence, that I should involve HR, play the Autistic/disabled card, and fight for what I am entitled to. What is difficult to grasp is the effect of years of deference to change. Change is inevitable, and it is difficult for someone like me to tell whether what I experience as needs will be considered 'reasonable' or not. Like many people on the spectrum, I struggle to identify how I feel about things, so I have learned to accept other's people's opinions on whether things should be important. This isn't as unworkable as you might think, as long as you surround yourself with people who value you and have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately, it doesn't work so well when you are dealing with people who don't.
Before I was diagnosed, I was convinced that the world was filled predominantly with closed-minded, stupid , impatient people consumed with self-interest. (With a few, notable exceptions). As I became a little better acquainted with my diagnosis, and later with TA), I realised that my estimate was a bit off and that, generally, most people were okay. In fact, I came to think that perhaps everyone had the capacity to see me for who I am, to value me (as much as other people and things) and have the capacity for flexibility or understanding and compassion. It appears I was wrong.
I am informed enough and articulate enough to explain my situation and my needs to most, but when you find yourself having to explain and justify again and again and again to the same people, I have to consider that there is an element of 'lip service' going on. And it grieves me to see it so rife in the field of education. I am forced to make decisions about changes based on ill-considered, harmful assumptions with little or no time for processing, discussion or reflection, time and time again. I could fight it, explain, justify, and all those tools I have at my disposal, but there is a part of me, I think for the first time, that wants to give in.
If I am forced into a position where I have to defend my 'rights', remind them of entitlements, their responsibilities and my vulnerabilities, I suspect I will not be able to. I have help at my fingertips: advocates willing to make my case for me, but I am unwilling to ask. I have never, in all my working life, asked for consideration, better equipment, a larger budget, training, promotion or a pay rise. I have always worked hard and tried to progress professionally regardless of the cost to myself or (to my shame) my family, and I continue to provide skills and expertise 'beyond my pay grade' so to speak, without remuneration or recognition. But I cannot help but think that allowances made after an argument, however eloquent or justified, will continue to be made begrudgingly. This, I feel, will only serve to reduce my standing even more, and increase my isolation. I am at a loss, and would normally start looking for another job, but my age and the current climate negate this. A quandary indeed... and one that I hope isn't shared by any of you...
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