Tuesday 16 February 2016

Especially Interesting...

There are a number of well known characteristics associated with Aspies. (Those who know me personally will know how long it has taken me to reconcile my feelings about using the word "Aspie" but I suppose there is no denying that it takes less time to type.)

The media tend to focus on the easily characterised traits such as social awkwardness, capacity of long term memory, talents and 'Special Interests.' It is indeed the case that some are exceptional at maths; some can memorise huge quantities of numerical data (historical dates, the digits of Pi, train timetables etc.)  But we are not all savants or exceptional in the eyes of our peers.

I have 'Special Interests' like most Aspies.  Mine are numerous, but all share an important characteristic: They are data-heavy (there is a lot of detailed information available to absorb from lots of different sources).  This means that when I research the subject I can do so exhaustively, and this can keep me busy for a great deal of time.  (Anyone hoping to intimidate me with a huge pile of repetitive detailed work is going to be disappointed.)  I have no control over what piques my interest - often they are subjects unlikely to come up in general conversation, and they are as likely to reflect my abilities or aptitudes as not - Theoretical Mathematics for instance.  My poor working memory for numbers means I will never be able to calculate anything but basic sums, but I enjoy reading at length about concepts like the range of infinities and irrational numbers.

Those who know me will be aware that I will try to crowbar the subject of quantum physics into conversation at will (after all, it is relevant to every subject in some way!) or I may interject hopefully about the meaning of a prefix or common word, followed by a treatise on it's origin and evolution.  I have amassed an encyclopedic (if incomplete) knowledge of many subjects to various levels of detail. Sadly none of them are the subjects that work well in informal chatter.  Even when I talk about the weather, I feel bound to use the correct cloud classifications and wax lyrical about how global climate is affected by El NiƱo.

Airing these interests in public can be problematic.  People can feel intimidated when unfamiliar with the subject and may seek to extricate themselves at the first opportunity.  This is usually the point at which my 'conversation assassin' (enthusiasm) leaps in, pinning the hapless participant until it becomes clear that they are no longer 'participating' or have left without my noticing their departure. Enthusiasm occurs either in a desperate attempt to reengage the participant, or simply because the temptation to blurt out vast sections of the knowledge, which brought me such pleasure to acquire, is simply too great... So, my sincere apologies to any of my victims and, if it's any consolation, I hope at least you learned something! (Commence squirming at my utter tactlessness!)


Tuesday 9 February 2016

Dial it down?

If I tend, in my musings, to linger on the things that are difficult, challenging or otherwise worthy of dissection and explanation, it is because I am eminently practical:  I want to fix things that are not working, improve experiences that are not beneficial... The ratio of difficulties to pleasures, however, can be a little one-sided so you'll forgive me if I guard the "good stuff" jealously.  Let me explain...

It has become a habit, over the years, to note every nuance, detail and minutiae of most everything I encounter, the main purpose being to try to avoid getting into trouble with people in one form or another. (I tend to edit out the mundane or uninteresting experiences, and this is sometimes a grievous error as my judgement of What's Important often differs from other peoples'... ) An interesting thing happens when you turn this skill to things that are less practical; just interesting, beautiful or elegant.  To put it mildly, I can be filled with the most disproportionate joy when glancing at a reflection in a puddle (the overlapping images, the play of light, the colour combinations, subtleties of tone and shade and it's fleeting nature...)  A piece of music might bring me to tears at it's first hearing - the harmonies, mood and texture eliciting such a strong emotional response that I have to listen in stages.  Even a well crafted TV advert can draw me in - even if the product is of no interest and subsequently forgotten.  I seem to be especially sensitive to these experiences anyway, and I suspect the intensity of them is due in some part to the way my observational and analytical skills have been honed over the years.  I realise that many neurotypical people have a deep appreciation for music, or art for instance, but few will become obsessed with dissecting a particular shade of green or the sound of a name or a musical chord to the nth degree....

When I look up at the clouds, I am aware not just of the form and colour, but the air pressure difference responsible for the air currents that are tearing, thinning, building or layering other clouds on it, the angle of the sun and the thickness of atmosphere through which it's beams must travel before they cast their altered light over the vapour.  I am thinking about the temperature at altitude and how the inevitable ice crystals are causing the halo that passes through it, the vast weight of water droplets causing the darkening lower edge, and so on....  The result is quite magical and sometimes even transcendent. 

A strong emotional response whilst listening to a particular piece of music is a more common shared experience but I count myself amongst the few who experience the full effect of every nuanced phrase, every scintillating rhythm, every  crescendo and cadence; regardless of the genre...  It puts me in  mind of Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers book when he describes the apparatus for 'appreciating' Vogon Poetry, (known to be the 3rd worst in the Galaxy) making sure that every detail of the experience is felt as fully as possible...

I suspect this is also why I can't bear One Direction.






Liar, Liar (First published Jan 18th 2016)

It is a subject I hear discussed only occasionally, and then usually by professional types, as part of abstracts about ongoing research into Autism and Asperger's…  but it is one that fascinates me. It is, in part, the reason for my user name: Talentless Liar.  I consider myself to be an honest person, but over my lifetime, it has not escaped my attention that people are very good liars.  I don’t mean to insinuate that they are dishonest in any criminal way (though clearly, some are!) but only in the subtle ways required by informal social interaction.

People appear to make instant judgements about each other, hundreds of times during an average length conversation:  They may recall the last time they spoke and decide, on the fly as it were, how the conversation should begin:  Was it a long time ago or earlier that day?  They make observations about each other – do they look well? Have they lost weight?  Had a haircut?  These are the clues that are noted and acted upon throughout an informal chat.  Reciprocity, interest and empathy are all integral to engine that drives the conversation.  It’s incredibly complex, but all happens INTUITIVELY in neuro-typicals (normal people – for want of a better term!)  

People with Asperger’s have to manage this on a purely intellectual level, making each observation ‘manually’, thinking though potential responses, whilst cross-checking possible pit-falls with each mico-decision and memories.  What is for most a pleasant distraction, is for me, a strategic campaign: The First and most important goal being to get through it without upsetting the other person. (Objective No 1.)  If I was on form, I might attempt Objective No 2:  Leave the other person feeling better about themselves. This might be achieved by using an observation to spark a positive comment, but this is a minefield when you consider that the response to your comment might be negative and self-effacing.   (I recognise that this is sometimes used to illicit further positive comments to confirm their truth, but lose track and disaster may ensue!)  

On the rare occasion that the exchange continues in fairly reciprocal spirit, (and I really have to be ‘on fire’ for this)  I may go for the elusive Objective 3:  Leave the other person feeling better about me. Because none of this is intuitive in my case, I inevitably have to lie to some degree.  Most people probably wouldn’t see this as lying. After all, this all happens on an intuitive level for most. It is only only when the process is broken down intellectually that the lies become obvious.

I am uninterested in hair (unless I am considering whether my own needs washing.)  I don’t care about fashion, Social media, games, Celebrity, Soaps, most fiction books, football or Reality TV- most TV, in fact.  I actively avoid talking about relationships, (not my area of expertise!) social tech, dating, breakups or sensationalised news stories.  You may rest assured that if I am in conversation with you where any of these subjects are concerned, I will be actively lying, not to mislead, but purely in order to achieve the aforementioned Objectives.  I will be using my prestigious catalogue of real-life ‘emoticons’ to confirm, agree, sympathise and enthuse.  It has become an entrenched response to unplanned conversation.  

It’s unrealistic to expect most people to understand that I need sufficient notice about a conversation before my contribution can be truly honest and tactful.  The normal measure for honesty for neurotypicals is the ability for someone to respond tactfully and spontaneously; something I find extremely difficult. The only exceptions are those conversations which are a) about one of my ‘special interests’, (Most of these are so ‘special’ as to negate general conversation.) b) with someone who either has a deep understanding of Asperger’s or is just incredibly understanding and patient, or c) I’m fed up, tired or angry and can’t be bothered to lie.  These conversations are usually quite short, unless the other person has misunderstood and thinks I am being humourous.  Smiling is not something one does naturally when one is engaged in a difficult task that requires great concentration and effort, so remembering to use appropriate facial expressions whilst doing this is almost impossible…

To achieve Objective 3 in a conversation, is to be on Cloud 9 for the rest of the week (or until over-confidence supplies the inevitable social disaster!)  I can live on the crumbs of a ’3 for 3′ informal exchange for ages…  But why?  If my neurological toolbox is devoid of empathy, reciprocity and interest in people, why am I stupidly pleased with myself when I get these exchanges right?  I have pondered this for some time…
When I first learned about Asperger’s, it’s characteristics and neurological differences, I was both appalled and relieved by this staggering insight.   This was why being around people is so exhausting!  This was why I felt like an alien amongst others!  This was why people were offended by honesty instead of applauding it.  Lying is a complex and confusing part of communication but there is nothing more humane…



Anxiety Rules (First posted 9th January 2016)

I worry about things a lot.  This can make me seem pessimistic and paranoid, but it is something I struggle to control.  It’s something that has been with me for as long as I can remember. Whenever I had an unsatisfactory exchange with a family member, another student, or teacher at school, (a misunderstanding, perhaps, or failure to notice and comment on a new haircut) I would worry for days, if not weeks about it, literally losing sleep over it, and it would often lead to my avoiding the person in question thereafter.  

Equally, if I had a pleasant and successful exchange, (a long conversation with someone who shared one of my interests, for instance) I would soon begin to worry about the potential for a misunderstanding (on my part) to bring about the end of a burgeoning friendship, leaving someone I cared about hurt and confused.  I am blessed with a singularly vivid imagination and the graphic nightmares that accompany this anxiety are cinematic in nature.  This anxiety, this self-doubt has never left me and still colours every exchange.

This fear is an issue that is well known among people with Asperger’s, and it can be crippling.  I am lucky in that I have people to help me to find the courage to keep trying: I have the support and understanding of my wonderful husband who’s outgoing personality continues to put opportunity after opportunity for socialising in my path.  I also have the added incentive to be a strong and confident role model for my son.

Decoding everyday exchanges in a purely intellectual way is extremely hard work and riddled with danger.  (This is the reason for my usual frown of concentration; putting on a smile is just another thing I have to remember.)  I work in a large school and have to tackle hundreds of such exchanges every day.  Granted, it is easier with children, as they are usually more honest, predictable and transparent in their exchanges than are adults. To engage at all, I have had to become a student of language myself (researching colloquialisms, idioms, turns of phrase, body language and the like.)  Unfortunately, I didn’t realise until after I had embarked on this course of action, that learning to ‘navigate’ creates a vicious circle of its own:  The better you cope, the less understanding people show when things go wrong.  The longer you can keep up; the more ‘normal’ you appear, the more likely that misunderstandings will be judged as willful or deliberately hurtful.   It is EXHAUSTING.  

The endlessly sophisticated and ingenious intricacy of human communication navigated intuitively by neuro-typicals is mind-boggling.  Most people can have no awareness of the sheer volume of observations, decisions, judgments made,  hints, clues, signals given in a matter of seconds during a casual chat.  It is an enormous barrier to understanding those of us who do not possess this intuition.   It was this realisation that led me think more about the handful of people that I can truthfully call ‘friends’, and appreciate the patience they show and efforts they make in merely putting up with me!  Not giving myself enough credit, you think…?  No.  I have no illusions about that. I am patently aware how different things might have been…

Anyone with Asperger’s will know about the ever-present companion to anxiety: Depression.  It is a constant battle not to give up the effort, close the door and surrender to self pity, exhaustion and the inevitable spiral into depression.  I have had many periods of deep, damaging depression in my life, and I am immensely proud and pleased that I have not had a major episode for the four years since my diagnosis.

I am sorry if this post seems to concentrate too much on the negative, but that is a necessity when you discuss feelings like fear, doubt, anxiety and depression.  They are an ever-present part of my reality.  Don’t worry! I will write another post shortly about some of the amazing gifts and joys that also share my everyday life.


Happy New Year... (First published 5th January 2016)

Making friends and maintaining friendships has always been nigh on impossible for me.  I can only assume that there is some point where the interaction becomes intuitive, and no longer requires excessive effort on the part of the friends.  In my experience, this juncture in a relationship usually sparks an end to proceedings:  Either I have lost interest in the person, or they in me.  The other possibility is that the person becomes too close, and I begin to panic about the consequences of an ill-considered remark or forgotten appointment. I have read many books on the subject, including Eric Berne’s "The Games People Play" which has proven useful but the mechanics, when tackled on a purely intellectual level, are exhausting.  I do not prefer my own company – it’s just often easier to be on my own.

Christmas and New Year is especially exhausting in this sense.  Regardless of what they may say, people have high expectations around this time.  People must be kind, thoughtful, organised  and strive for perfection, (based on what criteria, I cannot fathom, but God forbid it's the TV adverts…) presumably under pain perhaps of being 'struck off the Christmas List'.

I enjoy the pomp and ceremony around Christmas time – I love singing carols, making and wrapping presents and decorating the house, so I keep the stresses associated with Christmas reasonably at bay.  The real test comes with the return to work in January: Remember to say ‘Happy New Year’, ‘How was your Christmas?’ and ‘Did you manage to get away?’ (my personal favourite as it always conjures up an image of Santa robbing houses and getting chased by the  police as he makes his escape on his sleigh!)

Keeping up with appropriate comments and responses when I have no particular interest in what other people have been doing is really challenging.  They might be surprised to learn that I have no interest in telling them what I was doing either.  I hold no ill-will towards anyone if they  forget to send me a card, and I would like to think the same is true for them…

I assume that, like much of what passes between people in everyday conversation, these exchanges serve to maintain and strengthen friendships and social ties.  I see no logic in treating people differently according to the time of year, but I confess to putting a great deal of effort into playing along!  I can’t help thinking that things would be a lot simpler and less traumatic if we were to go back to just sitting around picking fleas off each other…


On Christmas (First posted on December 16th 2015)

'Tis the season to be merry!  Indeed, it makes sense to cheer oneself up at the time of year (certainly in the UK) when the commercial world is doing its level best to drive everyone to distraction…

I am, technically, a Catholic.  Yes, I understand that this sentence broadcasts my indecision ('crisis of faith' is far too strong! )  I struggle with the idea of celebrating Christmas, despite my liking for the festive period.  Religion keeps getting in the way of my enjoyment.

I am fairly certain that I do not have any faith (in the biblical sense).  I have confidence in the progress of science, human ability, the tenacity of life…  None of these include much translated, reinterpreted, and possibly, doctored 2000 year old records – they cannot be relied upon, so I will never be convinced to blindly accept miracles such as the transforming of bread into flesh.  My intellect is my primary tool for understanding, and may not be bypassed in an act of faith.

I do, however enjoy my infrequent visits to mass.  I sing in the choir, and sacred music is a great love of mine. I enjoy the ceremony and the ritual and even, to some extent, the company of members of the congregation.  I am complimented on the quality of my voice, challenged by difficult musical arrangements and enthralled by the interactions of the faithful, but this is no different to being distracted by the intricacies of a spider's web, or swirling patterns of subatomic particles captured by an accelerator’s detectors.  No, this is a type of spirituality I will probably never know.

Conversely, I think I do experience spirituality in a purely intellectual way… I feel immense joy at the complexity in nature, the elegance of a mathematical formula, the way water droplets, sunlight and air currents collaborate to produce the incredible beauty in the skies above us.  The more I think about the chemistry, the molecules, the patterns, the forces, the probabilities involved, the more filled with wonder I become.

Surely whoever said "God is in the details" knew what they were talking about.


On invisibility (First posted 14th December 2015)

"People with Asperger's are  Difficult."  An ambiguous statement and the default position of many, I am sure.  What does it mean?  I have heard it applied to me on several occasions and I am sure it has been applied out of earshot on countless other occasions.  To my understanding, it can mean any number of things, many of which I see as positive traits:  Unwilling to follow blindly, enjoying different pastimes to others, challenging convention, not giving up, being tenacious, to name a few.   However, the question: "Why must you be so difficult?" is rarely asked merely out of curiosity.  I’ll admit to being confused about it, mainly because it is very difficult for me grasp what "easy" might look like.
I react poorly to things that are illogical.  Why would I lie about having had a bad weekend if someone asks me "how was your weekend?".  Surely, they should add a caveat at the time of asking:   "… but, only tell me if it was really good."  It appears to me that most neurotypical people spend a great deal of their time looking for this 'easy option'.  After all, to challenge, to question, to understand requires effort.  Additional effort is unnecessary: One can live quite happily without knowing the answers, background, reasons, or explanations for things (or so neurotypicals are wont to say.)  This is to me, however, the antithesis of 'easy'.  Not knowing, not understanding…. this is stressful, tiring and difficult.  This creates quite the impasse, socially.  I have never successfully explained to any neurotpical person that to ‘put my feet up and relax', 'let my hair down', or 'be myself', can be terrifying prospects.  Attempting to explain how constant intellectual activity can be calming is unsuccessful at best and incendiary at worst.  It’s simply too much trouble for most people with their busy lives (which is too short, I am told.)  Throw the inevitable problems with reciprocity into the equation and  the result is often 'invisibility'.
This unwanted invisibility is a condition I have suffered from over many years.  It has affected all elements of my life; most noticeably, professionally.  I have been passed over for promotion numerous times, omitted from group invitations, left out of training schedules…. I remain unthanked for most of the contributions I have ever made in a professional capacity.  With a career spanning 25 years – this soon adds up.  It is such a pity that most neurotypicals don't realise what astonishing rewards could be waiting for them in recognition of their consideration and trouble, were they to take the time and make the effort.  I have counted no more than 3 colleagues in my professional career (and there have been hundreds) who have persevered with my 'difficult' behaviour long enough to reap the benefits of an Aspie's focus, creativity and tenacity.  The analogy that springs to mind is that of a neglected vintage car, rusting away in the corner of an old shed until someone recognises its potential.  Some time, care and attention later and your gleaming E-Type Jag is ready for the road.  It may not be as economic as other cars.  It may break down every now and then.  Maintenance may be difficult, parts difficult to source.  But as any vintage car enthusiast will tell you, it's ultimately worth the trouble…


On the subject of making sense... (first posted 2nd December 2015)

Hello. Let me introduce myself, or rather, my alter-ego, Talentless Liar.  "What?" I hear you say, (assuming anyone is out there) "That’s a bit negative isn’t it?"  Well,  no.  Or yes and no, to be more accurate.  Does it mean I’m talentless and a liar?  Does it mean I’m merely bad at lying?  Does it mean I’m lying about being talented?
Well, I’ll leave that up to you to decide.  Just to help though, I’ll give you a few facts to help you arrive at an answer:
  • I am enchanted by quantum physics and theoretical mathematics, but struggle with simple addition.
  • I know nothing about Art, but I paint and draw pictures constantly.
  • My pictures are lauded for their detail and dismissed as photographs.
  • I crave friendship but destroy or fail to maintain my relationships.
  • I work to relax, progress to stay the same and pretend to be someone else in order to fit in.
  • I can lecture on technical matters to a crowded conference hall, but panic at the prospect of an informal gathering.
  • I can remember accurately a wide range of facts on a vast array of subjects, but I forget my husband’s birthday (and my own!)
  • I am famously unthinking and tactless, yet fiercely loyal and a champion of fairness.
  • I am a contradiction, yet the world makes less sense than I do.
  • I seek truth at all times and in all things but fear telling the truth about myself.
  • People think me sad and pessimistic but I am am staggered by the beauty of a reflection in a puddle.
If you know about Asperger’s, then this will make perfect sense.  Read on.   If you don’t, it won’t make any sense.  Read on.

I will endeavour to write a little every week, some experiences, a little humour, some history, some pearls of wisdom from exceptional people I have met, some pictures and some interesting observations gleaned from my job in a busy UK Secondary (High) School… I hope it will make an interesting read, and if you learn a little about Asperger's too... then that won't be a bad thing either...