(Written October 2019)
It has been a tumultuous couple of months, and not just because of Covid 19, Lockdowns and new vaccines.
I have finally been pushed to limit of of my capacity to put up with my job and my employer of 10 years. I am very pleased with the new role I am about to begin, but there are always regrets, aren't there? My regrets are same as always in these situations, but with a couple of added extras...
Regardless of the reasons for moving one from jobs in the past, (redundancy, company collapse, recession, the employer's contractual irregularities, excessive, unremunerated overtime) I have always regretted that communication could not salvage the situation: Perhaps I was unaware of some unseen hierarchy, or underestimated the significance of some relationship or aspect of the job valued by my superiors... Sometimes I have been oblivious of political changes happening within the company, and the consequent social activity of other staff, vying for position before the axe fell. Sometimes, my inability to fit in socially was all it took for me to be 'selected for redundancy'. To my knowledge, it has never been a result of my inability to do my job to a high enough standard.
On the few occasions I have decided to leave, it has usually been at a point far beyond where most people would have decided the situation was untenable. I am tenacious and reluctant to admit defeat, and tend to hang on in the hope that a solution presents itself. But to decide to leave because it is right for me, is a fairly rare experience. I feel strongly that, on this occasion, I had gone above and beyond to find a solution to the endless hail of unpredictability and flawed strategies that I have had to weather for the last 3 years. I can adapt to change, but this was too much.
But, enough about the things I cannot change. I mentioned some new regrets earlier, and these are oddly welcome. It appears I have managed to make an impression in the last 3 years, with staff and students who have told me they are sad that I am leaving, and this has led to some feelings I rarely experience: I will miss them. I am not entirely without empathy, (I dont believe any autistic person is), but I do struggle with these feelings for two reasons: Firstly, unless someone explicitly states that they value my efforts, I assume they do not. This is not due to some desperate need for validation. It is merely a consequence of Asperger's - I cannot interpolate other people's feelings about me into my own self-image when they have not been communicated explicitly. It will never occur to me to think I have done a good job purely on the basis that no-one told me I did a bad job. Even when I pleased with the outcome of a task I have performed, I will always have some expectation that someone, somewhere is disappointed, if I don't hear explicitly that it was satisfactory.
The difficulties with this behaviour, is that it comes as a huge surprise when people do communicate these things explicitly. In my experience, it is something reserved for goodbyes. I was unprepared for the response to my 'goodbye' message, from staff and students. I was truly humbled by the number of messages of thanks I received. I still marvel at the way I have spent the last few years oblivious to these feelings. But this is the reality of Asperger's. It can appear oddly self-serving to illicit comment from people, just so you hear it explicitly - how would you know their response was genuine?
This may seem a minor issue, an inconvenience, overcome by the will to believe people are being genuine: Trust. But there lies the problem: Trust is a difficult concept for someone like me, and when comments are made under circumstances like this, there is little opportunity to test their veracity and gain the evidence I need. Which is, of course, the dilemma at the heart of what trust is... ignorance is not bliss.
No comments:
Post a Comment