I recently worked on a presentation that compared the differing
experience of stress for neurotypical people and for those of us with Asperger’s. I always enjoy researching such things to see
what new studies and strategies have emerged.
On this occasion, I learned about Vagal Nerve Stimulation and several
other interesting approaches to reducing and managing stress. I even used some of the techniques I learned about on my
subsequent holiday, to help me manage the stress of travelling.
It wasn’t until after my return from this very relaxing
break that realise I had experienced something I had never experienced
before: A truly relaxing, refreshing
holiday. I had visited the destination
before, stayed in similar hotels and done similar excursions, so what was
different this time? Having ruminated on
this for a week or two, I realised that my attitude towards the travel and the
holiday had indeed been the factor that had changed.
I usually build up an enormous level of anxiety prior to
travelling abroad – worrying about schedules, what to pack, paperwork etc. Would there be hold ups at the airports, bad
weather or turbulence? Would the hotel
be okay? Would the weather be too hot, food
awful or too expensive? Would I be disappointed? You name it; I’d worry about it. It would take a couple of days to get over it, before beginning to worry about the journey back...
Whereas before, I had felt real pressure to enjoy the
holiday; to do, and see as much as possible - this time, I had planned nothing,
chosen a hotel further away from the draw of tourist attractions with nice
grounds and several pools. I had even booked
the fast track options used my sunflower lanyard to see us through the airport
more smoothly, and sought out the quiet areas.
I did not read on the plane – choosing instead to wear an eye-mask and
listen to classical music for the duration. I did not crush my husband’s hand
on take-off or scowl at unruly children. I even spoke to the cabin staff and a
fellow passenger… Unheard of.
But attitude alone could not account for this success, could it? Was pre-planning and a few breathing exercises what I had been missing all these years? I didn’t think so. Something else had happened that had made this new attitude possible, allowing me to access and use these strategies to better effect. I took me a while, but I finally understood: This is what can happen you when you have the capacity.
In the presentation I had been working on, was a graph showing the increased ‘baseline’ of stress that people with Asperger’s have to contend with. This baseline stress is much higher than that of neurotypical people, as it comprises all the additional anxiety and stress that is generated by simply managing the everyday with autism: Sensory sensitivity, social interaction, misunderstandings, stigma, and all that additional cognitive load that comes with thinking, and experiencing differently. We try to control our world so that we can insulate ourselves from the unexpected, but we cannot always anticipate enough to ensure this. As a consequence, we often fly very close to the point of overwhelm. It is as exhausting as it is difficult to maintain, and we fail sometimes, plunging into meltdown or shutdown. Imagine a nearly full glass of water, close to overflowing every time a few more drops are added. I have realised that I have more space in my glass.
Clearly, something fundamental has happened to my baseline stress level, to give me greater capacity to cope, and thereby, enjoy. Suddenly I am happier, more social, more adventurous and more productive. So, to what do I owe this sea-change? I am not sure, but I suspect it has something to do with my job and the people I work with: I feel valued, and more importantly – valuable. I have the autonomy and the validation I have always craved but never received, despite my hard work and commitment to previous roles. My current role brings fascinating subjects to explore and challenging new skills to learn. It is important work. My skills, strengths and experience are sought out and I am recognised for my efforts and talents. I have never worked harder, had more responsibility, or been more committed. I should be exhausted but I am energised. I should be overwhelmed, but I am focussed and determined. I should be failing but I am succeeding. It is a profound change, and one I will not willingly relinquish.
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