I like to be busy. It is integral to my continued functioning. If I don't have enough to occupy me.... bad things can happen. I am sure I have mentioned before, my dread at instructions like: 'Take it easy!' 'Relax!' and my personal favourite: ' Chill.' Clearly, these people do not realise that, without a suitable task to engage with, I might end up trying to start a conversation or similar lunacy.
Casual conversation is somewhat of an oxymoron for someone like me: 'Chatting' is such a complicated undertaking, I will try to avoid situations where it is likely to happen. Should I find myself unexpectedly alone and in unfamiliar surroundings, I start to panic a bit, often choosing to start a conversation in a bid to avoid appearing withdrawn and awkward. However, my attempts are more likely to ensure I end up being precisely that.
So... I keep myself busy. Every waking moment is taken up with a task of some kind. Of course, I may choose something repetitive or non-physical when I'm tired, but I cannot simply do nothing. And it needs to be interesting or relatively complex to keep my attention. Even when watching TV - I cannot submit to 'mindless entertainment' unless I am actually trying to fall asleep. If I want to relax, then I indulge in one of my interests - perhaps reading scientific articles, drawing, correcting grammar on blogs, researching some historical event... whatever takes my fancy.
There is a happy side-effect to this kind of activity: One learns about things. This can have the even happier effect of Making You Knowledgeable, but this is a double-edged sword which only becomes apparent when you attempt to use what you have learned in casual conversation. I simply fail to differentiate between chatting about Gravitational B Waves and who got arrested on East-enders last week. (There's a sentence I never anticipated writing!) Clearly, one belongs in casual chat, and one does not. The trouble is I cannot, for the life of me, understand why this should be the case. Of course, the more you learn about the world, the less interesting the mundane, everyday things become, which compounds the problem.
When I attempt to inject this type of interesting content into conversation; (with my formal language and vocabulary) instead of gleeful exclamation or an equally interesting tale in return, I am met with consternation, confusion or, even worse, the rolling eye smirk which is evidence that you have been consigned to the conversation dustbin as a 'show-off' or 'know-it-all'. It is not my intention to belittle, nor to assert my superiority. Formal conversation with its rules and exchange of facts and opinions is much simpler to navigate: The idea of talking without objective purpose is difficult for me to fathom let alone, master.
This is all very well, and I can explain my motivations and understand the reactions I get in return... But my choices in general conversation are limited:
1. I could explain the situation, and my odd behaviour to potential participants in a conversation. (A good way to end the chat before it starts.)
2. I could learn the mechanics of transactional analysis (the psychology of social interaction) I have read several books on the subject, but it's very hard work to sustain conversation using these intellectual techniques)
3. I could choose my conversations and subjects very carefully...(just wait until I meet someone else interested in quantum physics, clouds, 18th Century Naval history and ornithology...) or
4 I can learn to love internet cat videos and East-enders.... hmmm...
The home of all awkwardness... the wonderfully awful Bottom.
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