I can only apologise for the delay in posting my blog… I wrote one for February and also for
March. I will post neither as, looking
back, they were not my thoughts. Suffice it to say that, (due to my condition (chronic
migraine and allodyna) and the medication I have to take in order to function) my
personality, and consequently, my outlook were altered both pharmacologically
and by sleep deprivation. I have no wish
to share these experiences, and I don’t think hearing my woeful rants written
during that time will be of any benefit to anyone, least of all, me.
Despite the weather and disruption of March, things have recently become much more settled for me. The situation
at work (which was responsible for many of the difficulties of previous months) has
been satisfactorily resolved. When
things looked bad, I applied for another job and was invited for interview,
which I attended. Before they finished
their deliberations, the problems at work had evaporated, and I withdrew my
application - this time for the right reasons. (The hours didn’t suit; the
commute was a problem… It simply wasn’t
worth the move, despite my delight at the possibility of working in graphics
once more.) There were emergent
opportunities in my job for including some graphics and marketing work… things
were looking up.
It got me thinking about ageing. I will be 50 later this year, and I think I am
finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I still have no well-formed sense of self,
but I am much more likely to consider my own needs when making decisions. I am happy with my current work
situation. So, is
this really just a plateau in the profile of peaks and troughs? I think not.
A little while ago, I was introduced to Erikson's theory of
the Psychosocial Stages of Development.
I suppose I approached in much the same way as someone would an
astrological forecast – fitting my experience to the categories and feelings,
but I was quite sure, that I had not come out of this process unscathed…
There is nothing like the first
flickering shadow of one’s own mortality to make you reassess your
priorities. Life, it seems, is too short. I have had an interesting and varied work life. I don’t need a highly paid, high pressure
job. I don’t want a long working day and
short holidays so I hardly see my son.
I have other things queuing up to fill my time: I have a book to finish with my son; I am a director of The Different Engine; I
have historical events to attend; I have paintings to paint, music to listen to,
et cetera and so on…
Perhaps it is this age-earned ‘wisdom’ that was responsible
for my decision not to post my previous two blog entries… The confidence to wait
is something I have always felt I lacked
in the past – my need for additional time to process probably played into my
anxiety for not responding quickly enough, and fear; my tendency to make
panicked decisions. With hindsight, the
waters were always calmer than they seemed at the time; the tempest exaggerated
or wholly imagined.
Perhaps this is the wisdom of age, or maybe a by-product of deepening trust. Trust is a fragile thing, but I have followed some excellent advice a friend gave to me several years ago: Surround yourself with kind people. Trust is fragile, but I now realise that it gets stronger when maintained. I have acquired a very select but extremely high quality group of friends over the last few years, and I trust them as much and more, than I have trusted anyone. But I nearly walked away from my job when I perceived that my trust had been betrayed... But trust must be maintained in the face of apparent betrayal, to be sure there is no solution to be achieved, no corner to be turned... Because I waited, a solution was found, an apology and a commitment made and trust was renewed. It made me realise just how many times I may have turned away too soon....
There is a central principle in TA. Eric
Berne initiated the principle within Transactional Analysis that we are all
born 'OK' — in other words, good and worthy. Frank Ernst developed these into
the OK matrix, (also known as the 'OK Corral' after the famous 1881 Tombstone
shootout between the Earps and the Clantons).
I realised some time ago that, for the most part, I have spent my life in the two left hand boxes, and this position is indicative of a complete lack of trust (in myself and others). The title of my blog is "The trust relationship between
this workstation and the primary domain has failed" and is the only
surviving element of my discarded rants of last month. You can imagine my metaphorical
interpretation of this innocent computer error message - it was very much in line
with the bottom left hand square of the matrix: “Everything is broken and it won’t get
better.”
Now that things have settled somewhat and my trust is restored, I can put my title
where it belongs which is in the top right hand square of the matrix: “Ha! That error message is a T-shirt, right there! I’ll call IT and they’ll come and fix it”.
