The Art of Escape (Part 3)

Here we are again with the third and final part of my list of guests for my Dinner Party.  It struck me that I have not included any women as yet.  I feel oddly pressured to do so, even though, in truth, there are few women who's views, work, writings etc have made a strong impression on me.  Obviously, this should not detract from the remarkable contributions women have made, (I am not the average woman in any sense!) but I must be honest about my preferences.  I made a decision some time ago, to avoid modifying such things for appearances' sake -  I had spent my entire life doing this: trying to fit in with expectations, and I have promised myself that I will no longer do it.  I am as you find me, and I make no excuses.  Having said that...

Temple Grandin.  A remarkable woman of singular vision.  There are few people who's words so closely reflect my own experience as a person with Asperger's.  Temple Grandin's experience of the world (and her ability to articulate it in such an accessible way) has been a constant comfort to me in the years since my diagnosis.

I share her ability to visualise geometry - 'seeing' the construction lines of imagined constructions or, in my case, the geometry of the natural world - angles, proportions and 'formulas' for trees, animal physiology, geology and atmospheric effects.  Once I have 'the formula' for something, I can repeat it or modify it at will, without reference.  Temple Grandin's book 'Thinking In Pictures' is a fascinating insight into a mind that works in a very different way - her visual talents play an important role in her career as a livestock equipment designer. While designing, Grandin’s mental images aren’t limited to vague concepts. Instead, they include vivid details and an ability to see her designs from multiple perspectives.  I had never heard someone explain this process before, and it came as a surprise that someone else was using a similar process as do I.  I have tried to explain my own processes to people in the past, and been met with confusion and disbelief - how do you draw a particular species of tree from a formula?  The level of observation and detail-awareness that Grandin describes are what inform this heightened visualisation 'a VCR running in my head' as she describes it.

I have never met anyone who shares my style of visual processing and I would love to compare notes with her about managing in the neurotypical world.  I'd also love to hear what the physicists make of it!

My next guest is naval historian and writer - Patrick O'Brian.  My love of detail and craftsmanship is an important criteria in my choice of reading, and Mr O'Brian was a craftsman of the highest order.  Those who know me personally will be aware of my involvement with 'historical re-enactment'.  This is a broad description, but in general terms, just means immersing yourself in a particular period in History for the purposes of education, entertainment and anything that helps keep our history current and relevant.  It invariably involves at lot of historical knowledge, and the learning of a lot of new skills. (How to safely load and fire a matchlock musket, sew a stay, carve a wooden spoon, cast musket balls, fight with a sword etc.)  It's very physical, and I find it immense fun, especially when we get to enact a battle on a masted ship involving sword-fighting and firing of the guns. (Canon are only so-called when on land - once on board ship they are guns.)

My particular historical period of choice is the mid-18th to early 19th Century, (the most fun seemed to be had in maritime history) and I spend much of my free time at the coast, so it made sense.  It didn't take long to become immersed in the history of this time (the naval records are incredibly detailed). It was a time of huge change and upheaval - the Age of Enlightenment had set the foundation for conquest and the time was full of discovery and conflict.  Nothing brought it to life quite like Patrick O'Brian's books.

I was taken with his descriptions of the details of naval life, the ups and downs of life on board one of His Majesty's ships at the beginning of the 18th century, during times of war, and peace.  O'Brian's wonderful Master and Commander Series follows the exploits of Jack Aubrey through the ranks from Post Captain, and is woven around the fascinating relationship with his friend (ship's surgeon, naturalist and sometime spy) Stephen Maturin.  I heartily recommend it.  I am not a huge fan of fictional works - I find I struggle to engage with anything that doesn't paint a complete and detailed picture, or contain vast amounts of interesting facts (an Asperger's trait).  However, O'Brian's book transport me completely with their inter-connected stories, locations, historical setting and attention to the smallest details of historical fact.  I'm sure we would have lots to discuss!

My penultimate guest is a composer.  I found I could not bring myself to choose one or two musicians from my wide musical tastes to invite...  The list could go on forever - Trent Reznor, Annie Lennox, James Lavelle,  Vivaldi, Deon Warwick, Thomas Tallis, Abel Selaocoe, Nina Simone, Kate Bush, Johnny Greenwood, Leonard Bernstein, George Gershwin,  Rachmaninoff, Hans Zimmerman,  Chopin, Neil Peart, Maynard James Keenan...  

No - there was no way I could decide.  In choosing this guest, I have combined two of my great loves - music and film.  I have a great appreciation for film scores and the purpose they serve, and Thomas Newman is a master.  His name is not so well known as Williams or Zimmerman, but I have come to see his involvement in a film as a reliable indicator of it's quality.  You need only look at the list of the scores he has penned, including The Shawshank Redemption, Meet Joe Black, American Beauty, The Green Mile, Erin Brockovitch, Road to Perdition, The Cinderella Man, White Oleander, Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events, Finding Nemo, WALL-E, The Help, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Skyfall, Bridge of Spies, Spectre, Passengers and the recent 1917.  He has been Oscar-nominated 15 times for his scores and songs, but has never won.

I first came across his work in 2001.  He wrote the theme for an off-beat TV series about a funeral home called Six Feet Under.  I was taken with the fascinating combination of delightfully delicate music, together with intelligent, quirky writing and the use of traditional instruments. I play Appalachian  Dulcimer, and have an appreciation of character and history that is imparted by traditional instruments like this, banjos and bagpipes to name but a few. (Every episode of Six Feet Under began with the last moments of whichever 'client' the family's funeral business was dealing with.) When I looked into Newman's history, I soon discovered his scores for The Shawshank Redemption, and the sublime American Beauty.  It was no coincidence that Newman's music seemed to go hand-in-had with superb cinematography, writing and direction.  This is music that is written with huge regard for the themes, direction, performances and photography.  Many of the films are not particularly commercial, but I have come to expect much of a film with a Thomas Newman Score, and I am very rarely disappointed.

When I hear the complex rhythm of delicate percussion, unexpected tones of traditional instruments, the emotion of the minor/major switches, the drama of the layered strings it plugs directly into my emotions.  In tandem with beautiful imagery, excellent writing, direction and performances - it never fails to induce a strong emotional response.  If you're not familiar with his work - I recommend four scenes from four separate films to demonstrate what I mean:  The escape scene in the Shawshank Redemption, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR-2fk_qusE). The scene in the rain in Road to Perdition (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGFLyA3u_rw). The plastic bag scene in American Beauty, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qssvnjj5Moo) and finally - the Shanghai fight scene in the Bond film Skyfall (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHTI9srlI2E). This latter score was a delicate balance between his own style and the rigorous requirements for the 'Bond Style', which I think he achieved beautifully.  I would very much enjoy hearing about his process and inspirations, and what it was like orchestrating Darth Vader's death scene in Return of the Jedi, under John Williams' wing back at the start of his career...

My 10th and final guest deserves a post to himself.  Until next time...

The Art of Escape (Part 2)

I hope you will forgive me if I dive right into the continuation of my imaginary dinner party - It's quite distracting, and I hope you have had a think about who would be good company for you!

My next guest is Doug Allen - the award-winning photographer and cinematographer.  You may not know his name, but you will undoubtedly know his work.  He specialises in underwater photography in polar regions, and worked on some of the groundbreaking natural history programmes produced by the BBC. He studied Marine Biology at Stirling University before becoming a commercial diver. In the 70s, he joined the British Antarctic Survey and began a love affair with the polar regions that still endures.  He began making films for TV in the late  80s, working on 'Survival' and  then on The Blue Planet, Planet Earth, Life, Human Planet, Frozen Planet, Expedition Iceberg, Ocean Giants, Forces of Nature and many others. He's filmed many 'screen firsts' including orcas attacking grey whales off California, polar bears trying to capture belugas in a frozen hole in Arctic Canada, and killer whales washing seals off ice floes in Antarctica.

As a scuba diver based in  Bristol, the home of the BBC's Natural History Unit, I have had the great fortune to meet a number of the people involved in making these films, so Doug in some ways, serves as representative for all of them. I have tremendous respect for the cameramen and women, scientists, presenters, technicians, editors, directors and producers involved in making these incredible and world-renowned documentaries, but Doug stands out because of his fearlessness.

Like many older divers, Doug has a very calm and matter-of-fact way about him, even when talking about potentially life-threatening situations.  Consider how potentially dangerous diving can be: Add to that the challenging environmental conditions in the polar regions, and then throw in hungry polar bears, inquisitive orcas and curious walruses, and a calm disposition is critical.  It is his knowledge of the natural world and his experience that informs his fearlessness - not bravado.  I will never forget chatting with him about the time he was filming walruses when one popped up right in front of him and gabbed his head in it's huge flippers ( a fully grown male walrus can be up to 12 feet long and weigh over a tonne and a half.)  He proceeded to calmly explain to me that walruses feed on shellfish by sucking them out of their shells, and that, if he decided to, he could probably have sucked his brain out through his nose. (Maybe not one for the dinner table!)

My next guest is artist and Turner Prize winner Grayson Perry.  Anyone who knows me well will be aware of my confused and confusing relationship with art.  I know little about the art world, especially the contemporary one - it is utterly baffling to me.  I do paint and draw, but my images are photographic representations or geometric ramblings - pleasant to look at - but they express little, I suspect, beyond my cognitive visual style.  This has always frustrated me, and my frustration has, in the past, found a target in the contemporary art world. (Many of it's luminaries 'walked the walk' but didn't bother to 'talk the talk', presumably because they would be found to have nothing of consequence to say).  When I watched coverage of 'The Turner Prize' - I disliked most nominees because of their unwillingness or inability to explain their work satisfactorily to make it more accessible to people.  ('Installations' like Tracy Emin's Unmade Bed still leave me cold.)  Without this explanation, it was lost on me. I cannot guess at the meaning of most contemporary artwork by just looking at it - it's much like looking at someone and trying to guess what they are thinking - impossible for someone with Asperger's...

Grayson Perry won the Prize in 2003, and changed my view of the art world overnight.  He was proof that artists could still deliver meaningful, affecting work that was still accessible to all.  As can be seen by his ceramics, sculptures and tapestries/embroideries, he is also an extremely talented craftsman. What a hero!

Since then, Mr Perry has proved to be a true cultural icon. Genuinely interested in the  "prejudices, fashions and foibles" of UK society, he produced the only TV programme worth watching about the entire Brexit debacle, and his current 'Art Club' programme has been a delight.  Anyone with Asperger's appreciates plain-speaking, and Grayson's ability to put art back where it belongs - in the hands of people everywhere, from all ages and backgrounds is a joy to watch.  I love the dichotomy of his hugely colourful character and his down-to-earth inspirations, and no imaginary dinner party of mine would be complete without him. (A spectacular dress is always a plus, Grayson but the dress code is informal - I don't imagine I could get many of my guests to be comfortable otherwise!)

My next guest (and the last for this part) is the physicist Richard Feynman.  (1918-1988) Yes I know I said they wouldn't all be physicists, but I simply cannot leave him off the list.  I first heard about Richard Feynman in my early 30s when I was looking into the famous 'double slit' experiment. (This is the experiment that is a cornerstone of quantum mechanics that showed how electrons behave as both a particle and a wave.)  This is when my obsession with physics really got started.  Feynman was a colourful character, as well as being a groundbreaking theoretical physicist.  He did not let anything get in the way of his curiosity, or his passion to prove his point!  His tales of working on the Manhattan Project in Los Alamos, for instance -  his tendency to demonstrate a lack of security by picking locks on everyone's filing cabinets - and his time in Brazil, affecting enormous change to the way physics is taught (and playing bongos) are highly entertaining.  I won't go into his work in theoretical physics - anyone who would be interested in it would surely already know it in detail, but suffice it to say that the Nobel Prize winner's tremendous contribution to science is without question.

Unusually for people in his field, Feynman was happy to embrace the medium of TV, so there is plenty of material around to get a sense of the man, his humour and his thought processes.  He was a great teacher, (his series of lectures on Physics, delivered in the early 60s at Caltech, are legendary and referred to in physics circles as 'The Great Explainer' - they remain required reading for anyone choosing to study physics) and a dogged investigator (he was involved in the Rogers Commission that investigated the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster before his death in 1988. A curious character with a great mind.  He'd bring with a wealth of experiences and stories and would probably fix my toaster too.

Until next time, when you will meet my final set of guests.

    

The Art of Escape (Part 1)

I am not prone to daydreaming, as a  rule.  However, I recently found myself  doing exactly that at times during this Lock-down. I somehow dredged up the old classic of who my ideal dinner guests would be, if I could choose 10 people (living or dead, real or fictional). I don't know if anyone even does this kind of daydreaming any more - choosing dinner guests seems terribly quaint and old fashioned these days, but it's a setting that seems to demand a certain civility that is sadly lacking in today's society.

Anyway, on to the fun bit... (Please feel free to make up your own list as you follow mine - it's imaginary, so they can be living or dead, real or fictional. You choose.)

Any friends of mine will be in no way surprised at my first choice of guest:  Prof. Jameel Sadik "Jim" Al Khalili, OBE FRS. He is a quantum physicist, author and broadcaster. Professor of Physics and Head of Public Engagement in Science at the University of Surrey in Guildford. He is a regular science presenter on BBC TV and radio and a recipient of the Royal Society Michael Faraday medal, the Institute of Physics Kelvin Medal and the very first Stephen Hawking Medal. He is the current president of the British Science Association.  An impressive list, no?

It is Mr Al Khalili's quietly compelling style of writing and presenting that enchants me.  I have read many books on the sciences and watched many documentaries, but none delight me as much as Jim's with their gentle, emphatic narratives and inspiring visuals of ground-breaking experiments.  I particularly admire his respect for his cultural home's contribution to science and mathematics, and found his 'Science and Islam' documentary fascinating.  His respect for other scientists' contributions is also clear, particularly in his radio series 'The Life Scientific'.

I know no-one better at packaging up the utter nonsense of quantum physics in easy to read books.  His explanation of the role of quantum entanglement and antioxidants in the robin's mysterious navigation systems is entirely accessible to an enthusiastic amateur like myself.  I'm sure scientists and researchers provide considerable chunks of the books and documentaries, but his particular style of weaving stories and facts around ground-breaking developments in science taps directly into my love of science.  I bet he has some good stories, too!

Stop creeping away - I haven't chosen 10 physicists for my dinner party, and Einstein is not invited!

The second name on my list is Simon Reeves, the travel presenter.  Mr Reeves is not an academic.  I read recently an excerpt from his biography describing the aimlessness of his early life and career.  What is so endearing about him is his wonderful sincerity and acceptance of people from all walks of life, wherever he finds them and whatever their circumstances.  I struggle to understand how someone of such clear principles can remain so fair and objective in their summary of a place and it's people.  But his curiosity and his sincerity are clear.  This is not a man who uses clever language to camouflage his feelings as he interviews a Somali pirate at the door of his prison.  He is genuinely open and willing to hear their stories, their experiences and their reasons. (The universally reviled pirates turn out to be displaced fishermen, desperate to make a living in a war zone.)

In his programmes, he often chooses geometric or ocean borders as routes which means an arbitrary assortment of destinations. (Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn, Indian Ocean, Mediterranean etc.) This ensures that we don't fall into that comfortable pattern of similar destinations and similar, familiar stories. The encounters and contrasts this throws up are always interesting and sometimes staggering.  In Mediterranean, he looks at the economic, cultural, social, political, religious and environmental issues of the countries bordering the Med. He speaks to businessmen, politicians, farmers, asylum seekers, monks and criminals.  As each encounter ends, you are left with the feeling that the views of those people are completely understandable, even if you disagree completely with what they are doing.

I think his visit to a rubbish dump in the idyllic Maldives, after exploring the well-known vistas of turquoise seas and white sand coral atolls, was one of the most affecting scenes I have seen in a travel programme.  The overflowing, burning pile of waste that sat in the middle of that astounding beauty was shocking.  Conversely - there is the wonderful woman in Gaza who had returned home, after studying engineering in Britain, to use her expertise and innovations to turn rubble from the ruins into bricks for home-builders, (the embargo on building materials imposed by Israel meant that homelessness was rife.)

His slightly 'goofy' delivery and disarming way with people belie, I think, a deeply concerned and humane soul.  Would that I could connect with people in such a way!  So, Mr Reeve will be coming along.  And stories?  Definitely!

I can see this dinner party becoming serialised!  I think I'll make this the last one for now.

My next choice would be the inimitable John Lloyd.  I first heard of Mr Lloyd in tandem with his great friend, Douglas Adams - he worked on the radio series of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'.  Now, I feel it only fair to explain that, although many of my interests can appear very serious and dry subjects to the uninitiated, I have always had a sense of humour, and a sharp one at that.  And it seems that Mr Lloyd has been lurking in all the places that I have found my brand of humour over the years.  I say lurking, as he is a writer and producer so his face is rarely seen, however, the impression of his wit and humour are evident wherever he has had involvement.

He has either written or produced on most of the TV comedy series I have loved over the years - Hitchhiker's, Not the Nine o'clock News, Blackadder, Splitting Image and QI, (which is the only thing I find worth watching on terrestrial TV these days!)  His books, (not to mention all the QI Fact books) include two of my favourites (co-written with Douglas Adams):  "The Meaning of Liff", and "The Deeper Meaning of Liff".  These two tiny volumes are easy to miss on the bookshop shelves, but they are priceless.  Born out of a long friendship with Adams, and a holiday in Corfu, what had begun years before, as a word game suggested by Adam's English teacher, became one of the most lastingly funny things I have ever read.  I can almost imagine the drunken deliberations in the taverna by the beach.

The Meaning of Liff was described as a “dictionary of things that there should be words for, but aren’t”. The definitions describe things familiar to everyone; the words themselves are all place names. For example, an Ely is “the first, tiniest inkling that something, somewhere has gone terribly wrong”; Kettering is “the marks left on your bottom and thighs after sitting sunbathing on a wickerwork chair”; and Scrabster (a village in Caithness) is “one of those dogs that has it off on your leg during tea”.

I was 15 in 1983.  In the preceding year, I had gone from being an artistically and academically gifted student who never received less than an A, to a truanting, academically failing, desperately confused wreck.  I had no friends in school or outside.  My parents thought perhaps I was on drugs, and didn't try to hide their disappointment (how dare their talented child not live up to their expectations).  In fact, I was just another teenager with undiagnosed Asperger's, trying to survive a hostile and changing world that was more bewildering by the day.  The Meaning of Liff was one of the things that got me through that time.  It tucked easily into my pocket and would take it everywhere, secretly guffawing into my jacket whenever I turned a page.

Yes, Mr Lloyd is an important addition to my list of guests. You'll have to tune in next time to see if the late Mr Adams will be joining him!

  

The Silver Lining

It is most peculiar to see the vast majority of the population of the UK and elsewhere struggling with the task of social isolation. From the perspective of an Aspie, this all seems fairly commonplace:  Avoid large groups; keep your distance, avoid unnecessary journeys... However, it is fast becoming clear just how difficult this is for the majority of NTs.

With the 'Lockdown' in place, there are more and more examples every day of people failing to manage their own isolation and their distancing from others.  How can one expect a loving son or daughter to stay away from a seriously ill parent, a brother from a sister, a teenager from his friends?
I have always looked upon these connections with jealous eyes, but now I find myself strangely thankful that I do not feel the pain of their loss so keenly.  It's hard to quantify the value of something you rarely experience.

As I watch the news reports that are filled with a bizarre combination of human suffering, dry Government statements and overtly up-beat stories of people attempting to help out in their own way, I recognise the same characteristic hit or miss strategies that litter my own attempts at social connection. These are people attempting to connect with (so to speak) their hands tied behind their backs.  The Government and Health organisations are rightly concerned about the effect on peoples' mental health:  Anxiety is high, and not just because of fears about becoming ill, buying food and getting paid.  People have been cut off from their support networks, their friends, their families.

Oddly enough, I find my anxiety is less every day.  I was very confused and anxious when this emergency began:  People not behaving as expected is a particular issue for me, so the absence of logic demonstrated in panic buying, pushing in queues and the failure to follow social distancing rules was particularly affecting.  Now I am working from home and I have a better idea of what the next few weeks look like, my anxiety is dropping.  There is no need for social interaction beyond my own home.  I am forced to communicate using my preferred methods - email and texts, and I am in control of who I choose to interact with, and when.  I seldom experience these luxuries in my usual day.

It appears I also have the advantage when it comes to finding things with which to occupy myself.  I need structure.  In everything, all of the time.  I have grown used to creating structure where there is none, and this skill has been at the core of all the jobs and roles I have ever undertaken.  Therefore, I have had no concerns about moving to a home-working system, and arranging home-schooling for my son.  I have an endless supply of ideas to occupy my time usefully, demonstrated by my long list of hobbies and pastimes.  Keeping busy is important to me, and I am rarely stuck for something to do.  I have enjoyed tackling the challenges presented by having 3 IT-heavy consumers working under the same roof.  We each have our space and we each have our schedule.  We meet in the middle for meals and fresh air, and it's going swimmingly.  I can appreciate, however, how difficult this has been for others, especially for those with less experience with IT.

There has been much made of the wonderful work of NHS employees and the armed services and their response to this emergency, and rightly so.  I must pause here, however and acknowledge what a different experience this would be for everyone, if we did not have the access to technology that we we enjoy in this country.  It seems that, as soon as a high-street business closes it's doors, a YouTube Channel opens.  As soon as a relative is isolated, a Skype call is activated.  As soon as a school closes, online lessons begin.  Without the expertise of programmers, developers and IT staff everywhere, these connections would be impossible.  The speed with which they can be called into action and the ease with which they can be accessed and used is miraculous.  When I think about the number of Aspies I know who work in these roles, I feel very proud.  Where would we be without them?

NT or Aspie, I hope you weather the coming weeks with the minimum of anxiety, and hope you can stay safe and well.  There is always a silver lining.

A solar eclipse showing the corona.  A silver lining indeed.

When the Driving Force meets the Energy Crisis

Of all the differences I could list between the experiential worlds of  people with Asperger's and those without, the most important one, I think, has to do with energy.

By energy, I mean the whole gamut of subjects which begin with expenditure and end with refuelling. (Or stopping...)  The energy draw required for everyday life (in an Aspie's existence) is enormous.  When your understanding of the world is arrived at through cognitive means, energy becomes an important consideration.  To try to describe this in terms that can be appreciated by an NT is not difficult: Just imagine thinking about everything you do, down to the smallest decision.  Every decision preceded by conscious thought, deliberation and then followed by a in-depth analysis of of the results...  Exhausting, no?  And how do you 'refuel'?  Think about the way people talk about re-charging their batteries... Relaxing with friends, going out for a drink to a nice bar, having a massage for instance. For many Aspies, 'recharging' can only happen in the absence of people and noise and touch, so finding opportunities can be difficult.   But this is not the main issue...

The problem arises when you consider that NTs can have tremendous difficulty in grasping the level of energy required by an Aspie for normal functioning in a social world, and the scale of its impact on the person doing it.  (Aspies can have similar trouble grasping that much of the slow, careful decision making they rely on every day, is done intuitively and without much conscious thought by NTs.)  Without this appreciation of the facts, our struggle is invisible at best; misinterpreted at worst.  Add to this the unpredictability of the social world and I would hope most would start to see just how 'different' and difficult our experience is.

So why aren't we all burnt-out husks by the age of twenty?

Since my diagnosis (when I was 43) I have met and got to know a number of people on the spectrum, and I quickly became aware that many of those people (myself included) have enormous capacity, drive and motivation.  This did not appear to change, even when if the person had withdrawn; unable to engage with the world: Their passions and interests were pursued with the same enthusiasm and energy - just from within their bedrooms.  We keep going, and as a result, we are capable of amazing feats of concentration and perseverance.  In TA, we might call this the 'Try Harder'  driver.  (When someone has been told that they are at fault for the majority of their life, the response is often to try harder, out of guilt, to gain acceptance or prove others wrong...) A few of my closer friends admit this ultimately self-destructive dynamic, but to expend energy on drive and enthusiasm when so much is taken up with merely navigating the everyday is unsustainable.  Something must, and usually does, give.

It is unfortunate then, that another 'driver' often accompanies that of 'Try Harder', and that's 'Don't Fail'.  People who find themselves in this dynamic simply can't win, often spiraling into crisis after crisis.  Of course this isn't limited to Aspies, however, our capacity and drive works against us - helping us reach new depths of despair.  It can be very difficult indeed to extricate ourselves from these defensive strategies when we live in such a chaotic social world where it can seem impossible to make sense of anything with all the contradictions:  "Do this accurately, but don't spend too long", "Tell the truth/Don't be rude"), "This is the priority/This is the priority/You should know the priority", "collaborate with colleagues/compete with colleagues", "Socialise/have fun".  So where should we expend our precious energy?  All too often, the answer is: 'on surviving', and even the most intelligent of us can, on occasion, convince ourselves that the effort isn't worth the reward.

Too few teachers and employers are aware of this, and the lack of understanding leads to more unnecessary pressure being piled on top.  As an educator, I do understand the frustration:  "Why, when this student is so capable, are they making so little effort?" The answer, of course, is that they are making a huge effort, simply to get through the day. If they have little energy left then, to decipher vague and contradictory expectations, we should not be surprised.  Few understand that it is even more frustrating for the student (who knows their own potential) having constant obstacles placed in their path.  It is in no way an even playing field.

It would be particularly cruel then, if we were to not only fail to understand these difficulties, but also to criticise those with great, and recognised potential, for failing to 'excel'.  Sadly, this is the overwhelming experience of many of the people I have met over the years, who identify as Aspies (myself included). Such intelligence, capacity and drive is essential in our fast moving technological world, and they should be accommodated and valued for the assets they are.  These people are the real movers and shakers, not the 'celebrities', the 'politicians' and 'corporate sharks'.  It is society's obsession with these things that has us swimming in a sea of plastic, teetering on the brink of climate catastrophe and making nationally important decisions based on nothing more than the mindless rhetoric of social media.

Time to listen to reason, I think.

Climate change protesters state the seemingly obvious...to the seemingly oblivious

The company of men

Gender is a subject that has never really interested me but it occurred to me recently that this a hot topic for many and so, as this type of realisation often triggers reflection,  I decided it was time to give it some consideration.

I suppose it is my tendency towards the factual and logical that, in part at least, has steered me away from the subject of gender.  After all, - men and women are equally capable of more or less the same feats (with the exception of the obvious biological barriers) aren't they?  The only other considerations seemed to me to be cultural, aesthetic or social ones (historical/legal/political/religious).  I have always considered that my gender was irrelevant, in all but the most fundamental sense.  

Of course, I am aware of the existence of gender bias, cultural and historical prerequisites, and of the tendency of recent years for people to self-label themselves on the 'gender spectrum'...  However, because I have never found gender to be an important factor in practically any decision I have ever made, that doesn't mean that there aren't important issues to consider.  (I am sure that others have made plenty of decisions about me based on exactly this.)  I should explain that I hold social concepts such as race and religion in similar disdain.  I can only consider them in terms of variation and the complexity of experience they bring with them.  I cannot imagine using such broad and subjective terms to make a judgement about a person.  It simply would not occur to me to favour these considerations over the specific merits of someone's suitability (for a job, a spouse, a conversation, a friend...)  What possible difference would it make if an engineer wears makeup or or has a beard?  

I must admit my view appears somewhat simplistic when I read it back.  Am I at fault, or is my simplistic view what we should all be aiming for?  

To clarify what 'gender' means to me personally, as a woman with Asperger's: An assignation which only has meaning in terms of anticipating situations when bias might occur with regard to social, historical or cultural norms, and in practical considerations. For example, the issue of a man working in a women's shelter or wearing appropriate clothing for dangerous jobs.

I have come to see that many people hold their gender identity very dear, some to the extent that it seems to define their very persona.  They celebrate their place on the spectrum of gender.  I struggle to see where I would fit on such a spectrum.  I suppose most see me as quite 'male' - I always wear trousers, but because they are practical and warm, and stop my skin burning in the summer.  (I am particularly aware of how much cheaper men's clothing is, and how much better quality the materials usually are!) However, I do wear minimal makeup and brush my hair (long - because I cannot bear the idea of visiting the hairdressers) when I go out, mainly because I don't want to attract unpleasant comment about 'not making an effort'.  (I don't really associate this with any particular gender - I just accept that I have female attributes, so I do things to fit in to that social expectation, particularly because it is a preference that my (NT) husband shares.)  Of course practical considerations outrank any of these other expectations! (I am amazed by people who will maintain their gender identity beyond all consideration of the practical - high heels on cobbled streets, a 3-piece trouser suit on stiflingly hot day, coiffured hair and eye makeup in a swimming pool etc... what dedication!)

Of course, it's not all about what you wear.   A huge amount of research has been done in this area, and it continues to be a popular discussion subject in many ways:  Does your environment determine gender?  Or is it your biology, your genes...or your brain?

I have been aware for some time of the apparent correlation between being a fairly strong systemiser (47 on Baron-Cohen's AQ scale) and my tendency towards the 'left brain' and the male stereotype:  I wear trousers, hate chatting and shopping and talking about handbags and 'celebrities'.  I was never interested in things other girls were interested in at school.  I didn't like soft toys, ponies or kittens.  Later, I even preferred beer and spirits (straight) to sweet wines and cocktails.  Even now, I like talking about aviation, space, physics and sword-fighting, and have absolutely no interest in 'Nailbars', Love Island or small fluffy dogs which appear to have no practical purpose.   I have always preferred the company of men to women.  Even when I was in school I chose only male company.  I preferred the simpler interactions - we talked about things (bugs, films, cars) not people, or relationships.  Conversations were all about the subject, practicalities, statements and physical or visual jokes.  It was much easier to follow. At college I would dread the inevitable 'girls' nights out, and avoid them wherever possible. Relationships, fashion, pets, gossip were all alien to me. I am aware of how stereotypical this sounds, but this was my experience.  Perhaps we were all responding to  the same stereotypes....

Much has been made in recent years, of the apparent oversight of diagnosing girls and women with Asperger's due to their skill at social mimicking among other things.  To clarify:  Girls don't fit in better, but they are better at 'appearing to fit in'.  Boys are more likely to 'act out' and are therefore more visible for diagnosis.  Or so the theory goes.  I don't think this is true in my case.  I acted out.  I truanted, got into fights and consequently spent the vast majority of the time on my own.  I loved dinosaurs and ancient Greek mythology and drawing scary monsters. I was visible, but my behaviour was dismissed as boredom or eccentricity, due to my academic ability.  

But does favouring the left-brain (the slower, more logical thinking brain) mean that you are more 'male'?  And does that mean you are 'less female'? (I can't help thinking of Temple Grandin here, with her wonderful deadpan delivery and shapeless country cowboy shirts.)  After all, I am a loving mother and teacher, and creative to boot.  (All seen as more right brain.)  I thought my view might change when I met other Aspie women, but I have met none like me - they seemed more able, socially, and conversation inevitably got around to hobbies and interests like crafts, and pets.  Is this because of a tendency for women to be more 'right brain'? Maybe.  It seems quite neat but, of all people, I know appearances can be deceptive... The roles that my husband and I have assumed within our relationship are not the usual 'stereotypical' gender roles:  He does the cooking,  I do the DIY.  He does the vehicle maintenance, I do the gardening.  He is the keeper of the social diary, I do the school correspondence and homework help.  We share all other responsibilities depending on the circumstances at the time.  Any type of brain can see the sense in this arrangement, surely?  It certainly works.

I think, ultimately, that gender should not and need not matter.  I see it as a useful creative tool.  It can open doors, stimulate debate and provide an identity, but it is yours to do with as you wish, so make it work for you...

The Sheephead Wrasse (Semicossyphus reticulatus) Looks aren't everything, when needs must...


Simon Baron-Cohen's article on the extreme male brain and autism.
http://cogsci.bme.hu/~ivady/bscs/read/bc.pdf

Sense and Sensitivity

I feel better.  A short statement, but one of particular gravity, considering the appalling, medical, roller-coaster ride I have been treated to for the last two years.  (Beginning with the sudden and catastrophic onset of chronic migraine, followed by a complete inability to sleep without chemical intervention, and a whole raft of other neurological issues.)  Yesterday, I finally relinquished my huge collection of half-finished prescription medicines amassed during 30 months of 'trial and error' strategies designed to treat my unusual symptoms.

So what has brought about this miraculous change?  What class of physician was able to identify and treat such severe and lasting symptoms, and how did they discover the cause?

Well, in actual fact, it was me.  As Aspies are wont to do, I researched; but 'Looking it up on the NHS site' or 'Googling it' doesn't quite cover it.  I had made the connection with my age, early in proceedings, concluding that this was likely something to do with hormonal changes (plenty  of evidence exists regarding how migraines become more frequent in women during and after menopause).  This was never pursued by my GP or neurologist, however.  They seemed much more concerned with the next migraine killing prescription or offering me counselling due to the effect of sleep deprivation.

Eventually, after reading countless papers on the subject of the role of oestrogen in the nervous system, and the effects of menopause, it became clear that Hormone replacement treatment might be a solution.  I broached the subject with my GP, who immediately agreed.  I was somewhat put out by this.  After all, if this was a likely candidate, why hadn't it been offered two years ago?  Anyway - long story - short...  Here I am, 8 weeks in, migraine free and sleeping like a baby again.  One could become quite bitter as to the reasons why this solution was not offered by medical practitioners, but that would be a waste of time.  It did, however, get me thinking about why I had had such a rough time of it if my symptoms were 'merely' menopausal.

When we discuss Autism, we talk a great deal about 'sensory sensitivity'.  It is well known that people on the spectrum can experience sensory inputs (sound, sight, touch, smell, taste) in a hypersensitive  way.  (Some can be hyposensitive, but hypersensitivity is more associated with autism for it's ability to cause an overwhelming sensory impact.)  Sensitivities vary enormously from individual to individual, and the mechanics of it are poorly understood, but more evidence of what these sensory differences are is mounting up every year.

Although I would class myself as 'sensitive to noise' and smells, and have trouble processing fast moving images (driving on the motorway has been an issue for years, especially as a passenger), I would not say that I am particularly 'hypersensitive' in the usual sense.  I have always, however, been hypersensitive to chemicals (everything from detergents and perfumes to medicines).  I avoid medicines unless they are absolutely necessary, and will almost always suffer side effects - some quite severe.  I did wonder, for some time, whether this might be psychological, so I experimented to see if this was the case. (I avoided reading the listed side effects prior to taking them - only checking them against a list of symptoms I experienced later.)  I also noticed that I only required the minimum dosage before feeling the effects of any drug.  Needless to say - I have had a lot of practice in the last few years.

Perhaps it is this hypersensitivity that has led to my catastrophic reaction to a drop in oestrogen levels.  (Oestrogen is crucial for the healthy functioning of nerves and plays an important part in regulating serotonin for healthy sleep, which is why menopausal women can suffer sleep disturbances.) Perhaps my hypersensitivity was responsible of the sudden and chronic inability to sleep, the migraines and the shock-like disturbances through the night.  Not your average night sweats and hot flushes; so I suppose my GP and neurologist could be forgiven for not considering that this might be hormonal.  (If it was indeed an oversight, and not a reluctance to offer this as a possible cause.) Perhaps I will never know whether my sensory sensitivity and sensory processing have had any part in this, but there is some interesting work being done to demystify the subject.  Have fun reading about it!


References:
Sensory Processing in Autism: A Review of Neurophysiologic Findings
Elysa Jill Marco, Leighton Barett Nicholas Hinkley, Susanna Shan Hill, and Srikantan Subramanian Nagarajan   
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3086654/

Sensory perception in autism

Caroline E. Robertson1,2,3* and Simon Baron-Cohen4 
http://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/papers/2017_Robertson_Sensory-perception-in-autism.pdf

Autism As a Disorder of High Intelligence

Bernard J. Crespi*  
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4927579/

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