People appear to make instant judgements about each other, hundreds of times during an average length conversation: They may recall the last time they spoke and decide, on the fly as it were, how the conversation should begin: Was it a long time ago or earlier that day? They make observations about each other – do they look well? Have they lost weight? Had a haircut? These are the clues that are noted and acted upon throughout an informal chat. Reciprocity, interest and empathy are all integral to engine that drives the conversation. It’s incredibly complex, but all happens INTUITIVELY in neuro-typicals (normal people – for want of a better term!)
People with Asperger’s have to manage this on a purely intellectual level, making each observation ‘manually’, thinking though potential responses, whilst cross-checking possible pit-falls with each mico-decision and memories. What is for most a pleasant distraction, is for me, a strategic campaign: The First and most important goal being to get through it without upsetting the other person. (Objective No 1.) If I was on form, I might attempt Objective No 2: Leave the other person feeling better about themselves. This might be achieved by using an observation to spark a positive comment, but this is a minefield when you consider that the response to your comment might be negative and self-effacing. (I recognise that this is sometimes used to illicit further positive comments to confirm their truth, but lose track and disaster may ensue!)
On the rare occasion that the exchange continues in fairly reciprocal spirit, (and I really have to be ‘on fire’ for this) I may go for the elusive Objective 3: Leave the other person feeling better about me. Because none of this is intuitive in my case, I inevitably have to lie to some degree. Most people probably wouldn’t see this as lying. After all, this all happens on an intuitive level for most. It is only only when the process is broken down intellectually that the lies become obvious.
I am uninterested in hair (unless I am considering whether my own needs washing.) I don’t care about fashion, Social media, games, Celebrity, Soaps, most fiction books, football or Reality TV- most TV, in fact. I actively avoid talking about relationships, (not my area of expertise!) social tech, dating, breakups or sensationalised news stories. You may rest assured that if I am in conversation with you where any of these subjects are concerned, I will be actively lying, not to mislead, but purely in order to achieve the aforementioned Objectives. I will be using my prestigious catalogue of real-life ‘emoticons’ to confirm, agree, sympathise and enthuse. It has become an entrenched response to unplanned conversation.
It’s unrealistic to expect most people to understand that I need sufficient notice about a conversation before my contribution can be truly honest and tactful. The normal measure for honesty for neurotypicals is the ability for someone to respond tactfully and spontaneously; something I find extremely difficult. The only exceptions are those conversations which are a) about one of my ‘special interests’, (Most of these are so ‘special’ as to negate general conversation.) b) with someone who either has a deep understanding of Asperger’s or is just incredibly understanding and patient, or c) I’m fed up, tired or angry and can’t be bothered to lie. These conversations are usually quite short, unless the other person has misunderstood and thinks I am being humourous. Smiling is not something one does naturally when one is engaged in a difficult task that requires great concentration and effort, so remembering to use appropriate facial expressions whilst doing this is almost impossible…
To achieve Objective 3 in a conversation, is to be on Cloud 9 for the rest of the week (or until over-confidence supplies the inevitable social disaster!) I can live on the crumbs of a ’3 for 3′ informal exchange for ages… But why? If my neurological toolbox is devoid of empathy, reciprocity and interest in people, why am I stupidly pleased with myself when I get these exchanges right? I have pondered this for some time…
When I first learned about Asperger’s, it’s characteristics and neurological differences, I was both appalled and relieved by this staggering insight. This was why being around people is so exhausting! This was why I felt like an alien amongst others! This was why people were offended by honesty instead of applauding it. Lying is a complex and confusing part of communication but there is nothing more humane…
