On invisibility (First posted 14th December 2015)

"People with Asperger's are  Difficult."  An ambiguous statement and the default position of many, I am sure.  What does it mean?  I have heard it applied to me on several occasions and I am sure it has been applied out of earshot on countless other occasions.  To my understanding, it can mean any number of things, many of which I see as positive traits:  Unwilling to follow blindly, enjoying different pastimes to others, challenging convention, not giving up, being tenacious, to name a few.   However, the question: "Why must you be so difficult?" is rarely asked merely out of curiosity.  I’ll admit to being confused about it, mainly because it is very difficult for me grasp what "easy" might look like.
I react poorly to things that are illogical.  Why would I lie about having had a bad weekend if someone asks me "how was your weekend?".  Surely, they should add a caveat at the time of asking:   "… but, only tell me if it was really good."  

It appears to me that most neurotypical people spend a great deal of their time looking for shortcuts.  After all, to challenge, to question, to understand requires effort.  Additional effort is unnecessary: You can live quite happily without knowing all the answers, the background context, reasons, or explanations for things can't you?  Why not take the easier path? 

This is to me, however, the antithesis of 'easy'.  Not knowing, not understanding? This is stressful, tiring and difficult for me.  This creates quite the impasse, socially.  I have never successfully explained to anyone that to ‘put my feet up and relax', 'let my hair down', or 'be myself', can be terrifying prospects.  Attempting to explain how constant intellectual activity can be calming is unsuccessful at best and incendiary at worst.  It never occurred to me how this way of seeing things might be 'threatening' to anyone.  Throw the inevitable difficulties with reciprocity into the equation and  the result is often 'invisibility'.

This unwanted invisibility is a condition I have suffered from over many years.  It has affected all elements of my life; most noticeably, professionally.  I have been passed over for promotion numerous times, omitted from group invitations, left out of training schedules…. I remain unthanked for most of the contributions I have ever made in a professional capacity.  With a career spanning 25 years – this soon adds up.  

It is such a pity that most people don't realise what astonishing rewards could be waiting for them in recognition of their consideration and trouble, were they to take the time and make the effort.  I have counted no more than 3 colleagues in my professional career (and there have been hundreds) who have persevered with my 'difficult' behaviour long enough to reap the benefits of an Aspie's focus, creativity and tenacity.  The analogy that springs to mind is that of a neglected vintage car, rusting away in the corner of an old shed until someone recognises its potential.  Some time, care and attention later and your gleaming E-Type Jag is ready for the road.  It may not be as economic as other cars.  It may break down every now and then.  Maintenance may be difficult, parts difficult to source.  But as any vintage car enthusiast will tell you, it's ultimately worth the trouble…

Sparrows in the snow: A subject just as worthy as a majestic Great Grey Owl swooping onto a Lemming

On the subject of making sense... (first posted 2nd December 2015)

Hello. Let me introduce myself, or rather, my alter-ego, Talentless Liar.  "What?" I hear you say, (assuming anyone is out there) "That’s a bit negative isn’t it?"  Well,  no.  Or yes and no, to be more accurate.  Does it mean I’m talentless and a liar?  Does it mean I’m merely bad at lying?  Does it mean I’m lying about being talented?
Well, I’ll leave that up to you to decide.  Just to help though, I’ll give you a few facts to help you arrive at an answer:

• I am enchanted by quantum physics and theoretical mathematics, but struggle with simple addition.
• I know nothing about Art, but I paint and draw pictures constantly.
• My pictures are lauded for their detail and dismissed as photographs.
• I crave friendship but destroy or fail to maintain my relationships.
• I work to relax, progress to stay the same and pretend to be someone else in order to fit in.
• I can lecture on technical matters to a crowded conference hall, but panic at the prospect of an informal gathering.
• I can remember accurately a wide range of facts on a vast array of subjects, but I forget my husband’s birthday (and my own!)
• I am famously unthinking and tactless, yet fiercely loyal and a champion of fairness.
• I am a contradiction, yet the world makes less sense than I do.
• I seek truth at all times and in all things but fear trusting others with the truth about myself.
• People think me sad and pessimistic but I am am staggered by the beauty of a reflection in a puddle.

If you know about Asperger’s, then this will make perfect sense.  Read on.   If you don’t, it won’t make any sense.  Read on.

I will endeavour to write a little every week, some experiences, a little humour, some history, some pearls of wisdom from exceptional people I have met, some pictures and some interesting observations gleaned from my job in a busy UK Secondary (High) School… I hope it will make an interesting read, and if you learn a little about Asperger's too... then that won't be a bad thing either...

Strange weather... A rare UK Roll Cloud and the equally strange optical effects - there is interesting stuff out there  if you care to look...